On Nodding — Overconfidence Over Coffee

Lost in translation, one nod at a time.

It’s May 2025, I'm in a coffee shop in Kyoto. So far I haven't had any issues not knowing Japanese, as my English was enough. Until this moment.

I'm at the counter. I want a coffee.

I ask if they have cold brew, pointing to what I think it is on the menu. The lady says yes and nods.

Then I ask if the cold brew uses the same beans as their black coffee, pointing to a pot of coffee behind her. She nods politely.

I confirm my order by saying “alright, then I’ll have a cold brew and a doughnut”, pay by card, and take the number.

I sit at a table and wait for my order. I see them put the doughnut on the tray, then the coffee I ordered, but they do not call my number.

Maybe that's someone else's order?

They put one more coffee on the tray. That's definitely not my order.

Or, well, maybe I confused the ordering? The price was a bit higher than usual for a similar set.

Then, they put yet another coffee onto the tray. Now that's 3 cups. They call my number and it dawns on me that I’d somehow ordered three coffees instead of one. I smiled and picked up the order.

What happened?

Each time I asked about something, the barista took it as an order. Every nod was a confirmation of an order, not a polite response to my question.

Maybe my English wasn’t clear to her, or maybe hers wasn’t clear to me. If I had used simpler words or just asked to confirm, I might have noticed it.

Understanding what her nods meant might have saved me too.

Automatic Nodding

Nodding can mean different things:

• Confirmation

• Being polite

• “I’m listening to you”

• Or just masking any of the above

When was the last time you nodded to pretend you understood? When in reality you wanted to just be polite, or hide that you didn’t get it.

Social norms influence how we communicate. People laugh at a joke even if it wasn’t funny for them — because others are laughing around.

But remember that people, when they nod — may mean different things…

High-Context and Low-Context Cultures

Nodding is just an example but each gesture we make can be interpreted. It’s much more than our words, it’s how we say things, it’s our posture, all our gestures — the whole domain of nonverbal communication.

What I’ve learned from my Japanese friends is that they are quite indirect in their communication. A lot of communication is hidden beyond the words they say.

For example, in Japan, a polite nod or a vague “maybe” might mean “no”. In contrast, here in Poland, people are more likely to give direct feedback.

A culture where context matters more than words is called a high-context culture. Japan is a great example of this. On the other hand, low-context cultures are, for example, the US or Southern Europe. Of course, each individual may behave differently, so don’t make assumptions based only on cultural groups.

It’s important to understand the cultural differences to make sure your communication is understood.

Your Audience, Your Teams, Leadership

Understanding who your audience is — is crucial for good communication. Don't assume that they will understand everything you say.

These differences don’t just matter in coffee shops — they’re important in the workplace too.

When being a leader — make sure you understand both cultural differences and nonverbal communication patterns of your team members. For example, engineers from Kazakhstan I worked with rarely shared wins unless directly asked — not due to a lack of confidence, but cultural norms around modesty.

Sometimes, listening to words alone isn’t enough, especially for high-context cultures.

Takeaways

• Clarity isn’t guaranteed — even if the words are simple, your listener might just be nodding automatically

• Simple is better — basic language makes communication easier to understand

• Nodding doesn't equal understanding — your listener might just be nodding automatically

• Don’t assume, confirm — double-check where stakes or details matter

Summary

We learn to interpret nonverbal communication to navigate social and professional interactions. That is what we learned, but we often forget to adjust our usual ways when we are in new groups or new countries.

When was the last time you nodded even though you didn’t understand?

I survived drinking those three coffees — I was overstimulated, but it helped me remember the lesson even better.

Since then, I pause and think of my own nodding every time I do it.

Thanks for reading!

— Michał

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Post Notes

Discover Weekly — Shoutouts

Articles that might help you explore new perspectives, which I’ve read recently:

• On removing friction: Killing the tiny annoyances (in work and life) by

  Anton Zaides

• On explorations and experiments in your life: Money as a Distraction, and my new book by

  Akos Komuves

• On useful mental checklists for interviews: The Interview Algorithm That Gets You Hired by

  Gilad Naor

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